Note: If you are having a great Fathers Day this year, this article is not for you. It is just for those who may not be in that upbeat place for some reason or another this year.
By Sally Tippett Rains
Sometimes we look around and it seems like everyone is happy and Father’s Day seems to be a day like that. People are posting happy photos with their families, they are planning Barbecues and it might seem like everyone is happy that day except you.
Fathers Day can be a difficult day for some and there are several reasons: missing your father or missing ever having a good relationship with your father; wishing you were a father whether you never had children or having lost a child due to death or estrangement. While Father’s Day can be a dreaded hill to climb every year, there are ways we can help each other through it.
Every day may not be great, but according to the Mayo Clinic, having a positive attitude and positive thinking helps with stress management and can even improve your health. Practice overcoming negative self-talk. Positive thinking doesn’t mean that you ignore life’s less pleasant situations. Positive thinking just means that you approach unpleasantness in a more positive and productive way. You think the best is going to happen, not the worst.
Sometimes when we focus on what we don’t have we miss the boat on some pretty great things that are happening right in front of our eyes. if we expect we will have a bad day, we will probably have a bad day. But if we are open to possibilities that something good might happen– even if it’s not what we are expecting or wanting– we can turn a bad outlook into a good one.
Fathers Day is complicated and each year it is different– so whatever situation you are in this year, chances it maybe be different next year. This is why we encourage you to realize it is just another day.
First let’s examine the feelings of loss for our own fathers. Some people were lucky enough to have wonderful fathers who they have lost due to death and they miss them even more on special days like their birthdays or Father’s Day because the day seems to be built around doing things with or for them. Others are out there having fun with their fathers and sometimes that is hard to take, when we feel we are outside looking in.
An article in Psychology Today suggests:
- Acknowledge Father’s Day instead of avoiding it—grief often surfaces anyway.
- Reframe the day as Remembrance Day to honor your father in a personal way.
- Create rituals—write, volunteer, or revisit memories that bring comfort.
- Make plans ahead and lean on support; connection eases the weight of grief
Sometimes it helps to do some of the things your father used to like to do. Did they like a special food? Going to a certain place? Take the family or go by yourself and start new memories.
Those who are sad because they wish they were fathers or have lost a child– or the many fathers who are estranged from their children– they all face entirely different situations. As with any loss, special designated days of remembrance can seem to magnify your feelings.
While being a father is an honor, it is not always afforded to everyone. Everyone experiences things differently especially when grief is involved.
PsychologicalHealthcare.com talks about this, advising that whether it is us or someone else, “respect their way of coping, whether they want to talk about their child or need some time alone. Avoid giving unsolicited advice or telling them how they should feel.” If it is you experiencing something today, do what you need to do and tone the day down to what will make you most comfortable.
It is good to remember that everyone has their own life and whatever we are going through at the time is important to us. No one’s situation should be viewed as “worse than” another. Whatever you are going through, acknowledge it in your heart and work to stay strong and survive it.
There was an article in Psychology Today about estrangement from a child:
- For those dealing with estrangement, Father’s Day can serve as a poignant reminder of that loss.
- This can bring feelings of rejection and isolation, which are reinforced by social expectations.
- Acknowledging your truth and creating your own traditions can help.
The biggest thing about estrangement is there is a possibility for reconciliation. Of course we can’t live our lives dependent on that happening today, but we can feel peace in knowing that it can happen– and maybe when we least expect it. To those this won’t offend– stay in prayer about it, feeling grateful for what you have and the time you did have but always with that hopeful feeling that it can happen again. I am praying for you as I write this.
Remember there is no “one size fits all” when it comes to the “Father” role. If you are feeling bad, acknowledge (at least to yourself) how you are feeling. Don’t blame yourself or be disappointed in yourself. It’s ok to feel sad, angry or lonely and we should all be able to have the emotions we have at the time we have them without feeling judged or guilty.
Another feeling on Father’s Day is that feeling that you didn’t do enough or you feel disappointed in your parenting skills. Throw those thoughts out the window. If you feel you could have done more and there is still time then act on it. If you feel regretful, that is the time you should give yourself a break. You did the best you could do at the time. Sometimes it’s hard to look back on things but generally no one intends to cause harm to someone and we often think in hindsight something was our fault when maybe it wasn’t.
If you do have feelings of regret, you must learn to deal with it. Regret can cause all sorts of physical problems such as headaches, stomach aches, sleep issues, or depression.
The Cleveland Clinic advises, to “Get started with self-acceptance, you need to objectively look at the thing or situation you regret and consider how you could have handled it better or differently. The idea is to forgive yourself and move away from thinking that you’re a bad person.”
If you are so consumed with regret that it’s affecting your daily life, it may be time to talk to a mental health specialist.
While Father Day can be difficult for some, it can also be a day for you to look inside yourself and think. If there are things you would like to do– do them. If there is a way to fix a relationship, by all means try. But sometimes there is no clear path and often it is left up to fate– or prayer.
Find out what your foundation is. If your foundation is built on a religion, then put your faith and trust in that and pray.
And remember, this too shall pass. While today may be tough because it’s Father’s Day, tomorrow is not Father’s Day, so just get through it and tomorrow will be another day.
