When Mother’s Day is Complicated; coping skills offered

By Sally Tippett Rains

May is Mental Health Awareness Month, a time dedicated to highlighting the importance of mental wellness and encouraging support for those affected by mental health conditions. Often holidays can trigger our mental health so if this year Mother’s Day is a tough one for you, we’ve put together this article.

When we are children and it’s Mother’s Day, we often celebrate a fun, family day with gifts our dads bought us to give to our mothers– because nothing says Mothers Day like a box of candy, some flowers and a barbecue all timed around the baseball game.

As we get a little older, we decide how we will honor our mother and what we will do. But Mother’s Day can get complicated whether for you as a mother or for you as the child of a mother.

We never thought  that fun little holiday could turn out to be so complicated. There are those who had a bad mom. It’s sad to say but some mothers are just not good moms. And if you are one of them who feel forced to bring your mother flowers or spend some time with her, it’s just something you have to get through. An alternative to that is think ahead and plan something you like to do and maybe that will make it more pleasant.

There are some  mothers who have children– with complications. Maybe a mom has lost a child to death o maybe to estrangement. Everyone reacts differently and every mother who is unable to see their child on Mother’s Day takes it differently. If you have lost a child to death, it is ok for you to take some time to yourself. No one understands exactly what you are feeling except you so do what you need to do to honor yourself and your child.

If you are estranged from your child, it’s good to realize this is just another day like every day. It was no different yesterday and may be no different tomorrow– although there is always hope that tomorrow it will be. My point here is try to plan things with your children you do see or with friends or other family members who will provide a fun and lively day.  Try not to dwell on your loss.

When it’s a big day like Mothers Day and you know you will be having emotional feelings, try to end your day on a peaceful note– maybe find a rerun of one of your favorite TV shows. We always like to find a “Leave it to Beaver” when things are particularly stressful. That my not be my family, but it reminds me of a simpler time.

And with second marriages there is often  a “step” mother involved, which can spell complication with a capital C-even in a loving relationship. When a parent gets remarried it can always get confusing as to how to honor the new parent. Even if they have been nothing but kind to you, your own mother who birthed you and changed your diapers longs for that unique bond that only a “mother” can have with a child. So if you caught up in that scenario, just try to get through it and give a little grace because often people don’t know what to do. You can also plan ahead and tell your family member how you would like to spend your holiday to avoid an awkward situation.

There are of course more scenarios but we all know from personal experience that as we get older Mother’s Day can get  more and more complicated. We think back on the days when we planned things out for our mothers, but as time goes by it is our children trying to figure out how to honor us– and it might not always be our vision.

We also have to remember times have changed, so when we were young we bought our mothers “Mothers Day cards” but maybe these days your child feels a sentimental post on social media serves the same purpose.

Things to Remember:

• It’s just one day. You can get through it. Occupy your time and try to do something you enjoy doing. If your family insists on making you the center of attention, and you don’t want to be you could be grateful and accept it –or if it is a day you would prefer to be left alone you can gently say “no thanks.” Maybe it works better to have lunch or dinner with a loved one on a different day than the traditional Sunday.
• There are others experiencing what you are feeling so maybe you could try to reach out to them. Sometimes when we think of others it makes us forget what is troubling us. If you are having a lonely Mother’s  Day, maybe you could invite someone else in the same situation out to brunch, or stop by for a visit.

For those who have lost their mother, no matter how old they are, having Mothers’ Day can be tough. And likewise it is tough for those who have lost a child. The secret to getting through a difficult Mother’s Day is there is no secret… there is no right or wrong way.

We must be good to ourselves and do what we can to have a good day; and if needed, a nap can be included.

The American Heart Association weighs in about if your Mother’s Day is a hard one this year.

“People who think they’ll have a hard time coping on Mother’s Day, (should)  prepare in advance….Pause and reflect ahead of time so you can plan for what you need to do as it approaches. Think about what you might need and how to spend the day.”

They suggest: 1.Connect with other loved ones.  2.Take care of yourself.  3.Keep it simple

According to the Heart Association’s  article:

“Sometimes we think if we don’t touch the sadness we can scoot right by it,” Dr. Angela Hiefner, a family therapy specialist at UT Southwestern Medical Center in Dallas said. “People need to recognize it’s OK for there to be mixed feelings about the day, to have joyfulness and sadness. We need to acknowledge the emotions, show support and avoid the tendency to ignore it. That can make the holiday easier for everybody to move through and enjoy.”

We should also keep in mind that we are the ones who control our minds. Oh, sure we get down in the dumps or depressed about a situation or what we anticipate to be a bad day. But it’s up to us to try to find joy and happinesss in our situations. Maybe it won’t be a fantastic day, but maybe there will be small glimmers of joy and if we look for that, we are likely to be open to other possibilities.

And what about those who have a difficult mother?

Plychology Today has an article about Mothers Day for someone with a difficult mother.

They say getting through Mother’s Day as an adult child of a difficult mother requires seeing and managing one’s own emotions:

1. Anticipate your emotions and work hard at managing them.

2. Focus on people and experiences that make you feel calm and secure.

3. Recognize your ambivalence: Children are hardwired to love and need their mothers, and it’s normal, even as an adult, to feel a sense of longing for what you missed and needed. Permit yourself to mourn the loss of the mother you deserved and didn’t get. Focusing on your positive qualities and thinking about what your mother missed by not being close to you is another way of gaining a different perspective on the relationship.

4. If you’re seeing your mother, set boundaries and expectations first.

5. Mother yourself and cultivate self-compassion.

One way we can get through a tough Mother’s Day is to plant flowers. This may require a bit of planning ahead, but if we get some seeds and plan flowers in a pot or in the ground, it will give us something to look forward to as the spring turns into summer– basically giving us hope for the future.

Another thing is buy some potted plants for yourself. We don’t have to wait to see what our children will do for us; we can ensure we get what we want by buying it ourselves.

With some seeds in the ground and the hope of watching them grow and a few potted plants already blooming, we can give ourselves the beauty we will enjoy.

“A flower blooms for it’s own joy.” — Oscar Wilde

Sometimes we just have to go through the tough times so that we will be ready for the good times to come. Every Mother’s Day is not going to be difficult or complicated. There’s a saying, “Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.”

“For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.”  –Romans 8:18 ESV

We have the power within us to face life with a positive attitude. We can wake up dreading all there is to do or  what will happen; or we can anticipate all the wonderful adventures that could be awaiting. Life is one big adventure just waiting to happen.

Even in the midst of tough times there are so many things for which to be grateful. There are little blessings happening all the time and it’s up to us to notice them. Often we are too busy getting drawn into other peoples’ drama or we begin creating our own by letting our mind wander to all the negatives. And there is so much controversy and choosing sides. Why not all be on the same side? The side of love and the side of looking for the joy that is to be had on this particular moment on this particular day.

If you are having trouble finding anything positive in your life this Mother’s Day, here is a list of 75 positive quotes put together by Rooftop Church in St. Louis: CLICK HERE.

No matter how bad things may seem in our life at any time, we can always choose to look for positives. This is called “choosing happy.” Every day is not going to be great and in fact, many are going to flat-out stink, but when we choose happy we allow ourselves to feel our emotions and then we move on. I call it “15 minutes.” When things are going wrong, take “15 minutes” to feel sad, mad or whatever– like if you think this is a bad Mother’s Day. Your 15 minutes may be 15 minutes or half the day. Whatever you need to do, lie down, listen to music, cry, whatever. Then get up and do something meaningful. Even if it’s just walking out into the sunlight for a few minutes to get some Vitamin D. Just the act of doing something, reading, calling a friend watching a movie can change your mood.

We all go through tough times and while we should acknowledge the difficulties, we can learn ways to enjoy our lives during these tough times. Our message is don’t give up. Quoting Coach Jim Valvano “Don’t give up, don’t ever give up.”

And if none of this helps… maybe a Chocolate Chip Concrete from Ted Drewes will. Just this once.